Pandananananananananananana
SCENE 1
Int. Train-Day
MAN in sales assistant clothing is sitting down absent minded, staring forward.
PANDA walks into shot, clearly drunk and sits opposite. MAN stares at him confused.
PANDA
What you staring at cunt features?
MAN
Nothing.
PANDA
Saying I’m nothing?
MAN
No not at all.
PANDA
Better not be or I’ll batter the living shit out of you.
MAN
Jesus Johnny Cash! What’s your problem?
PANDA
My problem lollipop is I have a puny white boy looking at me like I’ve been dropped in front of his eyes from some fat bitches rotten slush pipe.
MAN
Sorry, never seen a talking panda before.
PANDA
Don’t give me those faecal vocals I only spoke after you stared.
MAN
Well I’ve never seen a panda on a train.
PANDA
Do you even know what train you’re on?
MAN
Yeah I think so.
PANDA
So give me one good reason why the fuck I cant be on this train.
MAN stammers
PANDA
Pfft, I wanna drink
PANDA Clicks his fingers and a scantily clad Nurse appears with an impressive rack of drinks.
PANDA
Oi wench, Rrrum! You Wumpa fruit, want anything? Look like the type who’d enjoy a couple of shots.
MAN
Not anymore
PANDA
Whisky?
PANDA picks up a whisky
MAN Shakes head
PANDA
Beer?
PANDA picks up a Beer
MAN Shakes head
PANDA
Tart fuel?
PANDA picks up an Alcohpop
MAN Shakes head
PANDA
Coffee?
PANDA picks up a Coffee
MAN Shakes head
PANDA
Tea?
PANDA picks up a Teapot, with a heaven and hell design on the tea cosy
MAN Shakes head
PANDA
Not even Cocktails? Pretty Umbrellas and everything!
PANDA picks up a ridiculously lavish cocktail made from a coconut and adorned with umbrellas and sparklers
MAN
Honestly, i’m fine.
PANDA
Aah suit yourself, comfy? These chairs feel like tombstones.
Nurse hands PANDA the rum.
PANDA
Thanks shugs.
Nurse leaves, PANDA checks her derriere. MAN notices and gives the PANDA a wry smile.
PANDA
Can’t help it, my species is endangered and I still can’t get any panda poon. Black and white with all of ‘em, either a no go or they want me to be papa. I can’t father sprogs, you seen a panda baby? Tiny fucking things, useless as shite.
PANDA scratches his testicles
PANDA uses the same hand to scoop out the ice from his rum.
PANDA
What type of pleb wants holy juice ruining his drink? Moron. Urgh. I dunno whether I’m gonna puke or shit my pants.
MAN
Nice, real nice.
PANDA
Aah Better to be drunk in hell than sober in heaven. Know who said that? A Mong.
MAN
I can see what they mean with that, don’t matter if a disabled pers-
PANDA
You fucking idiot I said Mongol not mong. As in one of Kahn’s cats. Not some window licker, clown. I loved the Mongols, you can see how good their bender was from the moon. Funny as. Christ my head hurts, feel like someone’s squeezing at it with sandpaper hands.
MAN
Hungover?
PANDA
And still drunk, think I’m ill, really ill. Coughed up a teabag earlier and two chess pieces plus a set of car keys, I’m not a whale shark. Pissing Train isn’t helping. Scatted earlier smelt so much like a pub, not even of shit, proper like a pub. Seriously when I flushed I swear I could hear the slot machines.
MAN Laughs
PANDA
Not funny, forgot I’m a herbivore. Oi! I mean Psst.
PANDA ushers man closer
PANDA
How to you stop a six year old from crying?
MAN
No idea.
PANDA
Pull your cock out of its arse! Hahaha!
MAN is very shocked
MAN
Grim as houses.
PANDA
Oh get a grip! Only a joke. Ay, how do you know if you’re a pirate?
MAN Shrugs
PANDA
Ye just arghhhhhh! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
MAN
Alright I got one. How do you kill a circus?
PANDA
I don’t know Mr Faceache, how do you kill a circus?
MAN
Go straight for the juggler! Haha
PANDA Stares blankly
PANDA
Don’t get it.
MAN
Y’know the juggler vein, in your neck.
MAN Motions chopping his neck
PANDA
And?
MAN
Jugglers at a circus?
PANDA
That’s shit. Utter wank.
MAN
Only cause I’ve had to explain it, nothings funny once it’s been explained.
PANDA and MAN exchange grins
PANDA
Haha I like you Bob you remind me of Clint Eastwood.
END
